November 11th 2015
“I have spent my whole life trying to die and now that I am,
I have a reason to live.” Victoria whispers to Jaydan as he held her. Jayden
stroked her scared covered arms and held her small form close to his chest. He
never wanted to let go of her. He didn’t want to let her back into that world,
a world that had only caused her pain and heart break. Victoria silently sobbed
into him, whispering things between tears. I
can’t do it. I can’t do this. It’s too much. I can’t handle this. I was doing well.
I started eating again, I stopped hurting myself, and I found someone to help
me. This just can’t be over now. It was finally going right. Victoria’s thoughts
were louder than ever and they pounded against her skull but she couldn’t get
the words to come out of her mouth.
“You could make it, Tori. You might not…” He couldn’t finish
his sentence. He didn’t want to think of her dying, of losing her. He just
wanted to make everything right but he couldn’t, he couldn’t fix this, he
couldn’t fix her. She tuck a strand of her dark hair behind her ear. She won’t be doing that much longer. Jayden
tore his eyes away from her at the thought. He looked around the room. It was
his little living room that had once felt some warm and cozy but now just felt
cold, despite having the fireplace going. The sat on the love seat across from
the stone fireplace. The wood floor shined against the light. The fire danced across
the logs and played shadows along the olive green walls. Jayden tightened the
blanket around Victoria as he stared at the picture sitting on the mantel, it
was of his dad spinning his mom around after seeing her for the first time in
months of being on tour. He was still in his army uniform and his mom had the
biggest smile he had ever seen. Victoria
may never smile like that now. Jayden thought closing his eyes. Victoria’s
eyes snapped up to his face and her tears suddenly stopped. No, no, no, Jay. Just no, you can’t think
like that. I can only handle one of us falling apart right now.
“Jay, stop.” Victoria’s voice pulled Jayden back to reality,
as if he could truly leave it, and he realized he said his thoughts allowed.
Victoria pulled back enough to look up at him, he unwilling let her move from
his arms but he kept his eyes on the picture. “You have to come to grips of losing
me, Jay. It is happening but it will be okay.” Victoria’s crystal blue eyes filled
with tears but she blinked them back, if he couldn’t be strong for her, she
would be strong for him.
“No, it is not okay, Victoria!” Jayden’s voice had more
bight than he meant it to have. He closed his green eyes and took a calming
breath. “I’ve never accepted it before and I won’t accepted it now. You aren’t
going to die, Victoria. It just isn’t going to happen.” Jayden looked her right
in the eye and she saw that he truly believed that. You really are an idiot if you think that Jay. Victoria smiled. It wasn’t
a smile like his mom’s smile in the picture, her smile was small and sad and
looked like it would break any moment.
“Jayden Wilson, I have cancer. I will die. You will move
on. You will find someone new. That
is how this is going to happen you have
to accept it. But my darling,” Victoria sat all the way up and held his face in
her hands. She didn’t know where these words were coming from or why she
sounded so strong because on the inside she was falling apart. “You will love
again and you will be fine, I promise you will. Besides, you’re a senior in
high school and I’m self-destructive. This,” she gestures between them as her
tears spilled over again. . “Wouldn’t have lasted long anyways.” She as giving
him a clean break. He could take it, he could end it and move on. He should
take it, it’s the easiest way to handle this. I don’t want easy. Jayden decided. I just want her. Jayden grasped both of her small wrists with one hand
and took the back her neck with his other.
“I love you. I’m in it for the long haul. The chemo, the drama, the family, the medicine, everything. I’m in it because I love you and you cannot just push me away. Do you understand that Tori? I am yours no matter how long we have. You may never smile like my mom but I don’t need that, I just need you, okay? I just don’t want to lose you my dear. I don’t think I can do that.” Jason searched her face, seeking permission to kiss her, he didn’t wait long before he leaned in and kissed her passionately. She kissed him back and wrapped her arms around his neck. Jayden slowed it down, just wanting to be close to her tonight.
“I love you.” They whispered between kisses. We can get through this. They thought as
they held each other the rest of the night.
